He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
