Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
