Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
