theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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