im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I wish i was in the wii world.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Randomize
