We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
