there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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