do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
