I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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