His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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