so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
