a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
