Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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