we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
