Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
