I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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