a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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