I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
