Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Is it penis luge time yet?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
