Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
