so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
