WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You made out with two different species that night
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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