can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
