I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
