remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
