Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i barfeds in our rink
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
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Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize