theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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