even my farts smell like vagina
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
