once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
