i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
