You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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