i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
