i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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