he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
