that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
