I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
