I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
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That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
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Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
That's how pantless uber rides happen
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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