fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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