You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
