She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Randomize
