This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
