So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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