i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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