Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
