i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
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How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though