Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
