If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.