My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.