Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.