I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
