It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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