My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.