Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
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i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
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spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.