Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
