Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
