new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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