I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Vodka?
Forever.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
