I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
