I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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