life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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