it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
