I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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