dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize