I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
